Bosco Stifferemonda (maj) wrote,
Bosco Stifferemonda
maj

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long ramble post.broken sentence time. how can this be?

I can't do anything until i know...i never do anything until it's a sure thing....i never do anything.i might be leaving soon. for a month. i might let some of you in on it, i might not say a word. doesn't really matter anyway. i'll come back and be right where i am now. except i'll feel it. i expect things to just happen. i get depressed when they don't. fuck. i get depressed when they do. i am sadly the type that needs to be kept in line. boundries and such. i have had none. there are some. in the wrong direction. steering myself the right way is like trying to turn a big rig into a motorcycle parking spot. i'd rather be numb. i've never been as confident as i have been in the last few days...i've also never been as medicated. go figure. i need to be tied down, but no one can spare the rope. i've got plenty. too bad everyone is already hanging. i have just enough time before i go to work to take another round of meds so that i don't have to slap a fake smile on my face for all the people and pretty girls that come in to my store and see the carwreck that is my life. I just woke up. i shouldn't be feeling like this. nothing has happened. i went out last night and had a good time...i woke up this morning and i didn't even feel like shit. physically anway. i finally peeled my mind off of one burden, just to have it slapped onto another. one that isn't ready. i'm about ready. i have people that care. i spend too much time alone. i've dug a hole. everything seems so hard to me. go out and see people, or just stay in and sink into myself. i always make the wrong decision. i almost always have to be drug out of the house. otherwise i'm drugged IN the house.
i'm ALWAYS depressed if i'm alone. it takes me a while to warm up to even the people i see everyday. i'm a nervous wreck over nothing. things are always worse in my mind then when i actually do them. I'm afraid. I will never be more than what i am right now. sorry for the depressing ramble. i'm just in a place right now.
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